Attain

Posted: May 30, 2014 in Uncategorized

I am unable to fall asleep. Considering the futile attempts that I have made thus far, I’m rather okay with being awake at 4:00am. There has been a progressive transistion towards some kind of wonderful in my new & positive existence. The disconnected loneliness has been replaced with simpatico of togetherness that I had never imagined possible, especially for the creative, intelligent, & easily distracted “Barracuda” at “Heart”. I am tremendously happier & this is evident in the way I see myself & how others now see me. I am free to be myself.
 

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Acceptus

Posted: April 23, 2014 in Uncategorized

Something wonderful & totally unexpected is occurring: I am cultivating positive & transformative friendships. I am no longer alone. I am independent & growing as an individual with self-worth & genuine internal happiness & now, I am showing that internal happiness, externally & others with real internal happiness can see this as well. Internal happiness can be seen by other tremendous & exceptional internally happy individuals; it’s as if the external matches the internal & is now radiating from me & I can understand why others would enjoy being around that kind of expression of grateful living. I am mindful now. Others that I have had the amazing opportunity to meet & know, & now begin building sturdy foundations for true, beautiful, & trustworthy friendships that I believe are just the beginning of my new & stellar life path & journey. This is brilliant & radikewl!!!

Alone

Posted: April 18, 2014 in Uncategorized

I am absolutely alone. I’m not joking or trying for empathy; I’m alone at the university on a Friday evening because I have more work to complete then I should have. Most normal individuals in this area would probably be gathering together & watching the Red Wings hockey game on the telly or just being social with each other. It is a Friday evening. I, on the other hand, go for loner gold & go & do my classwork… I’m perturbed with my past self for allowing then self to become then selfs’ road block that my now self is facing currently. I know $h!7 happens, but, it’s enough $h!7 to last a normal individual 2 or 3 lifetimes. I’m done with this alone $h!7 & tripping myself up. I need & want a change of scenery & since I’ve changed, I’ve realized that things around me haven’t changed. I am better for changing & growing. I am finished with being alone. It has to end now…

Adapt

Posted: April 16, 2014 in Uncategorized

I’m severely contemplating going to the apartment to do my studies. I’m really struggling to get work done at the university; it’s becoming this battle between distraction (tech) & noise (people) & I’m getting lost in my head attempting to fight both those things & maintain focus. I don’t want to give in & lose my future (Israel archaeology dig, law school, life), but it’s becoming overwhelming. I don’t know if it’s sensory overload, but it’s too much, whatever it is. I really just want to reboot my brain, so I can have a fighting chance of making it through. Maybe I just need to take a break & walk around…

I can’t concentrate. I’m at the university library, surrounded by other students, that appear in groups of 3-4 chatty individuals that most likely never actually get any studying done, but have seemly interesting, time consuming conversations about other topics than those of study. At least, this is how my lonely ass views this interpersonal dyad/triad game. How did these people decide to get together and sit together and converse and function without fidgeting, daydreaming, letting themselves become distracted by listening to music, researching on JSTOR for the extremely overdue paper that just can’t manage to get from thoughts to paper without becoming an intricate interpretive drawing of an Egyptian queen, and thinking about the numerous other papers that need to be completed, let alone started, all while wondering why no one wants to form a study group with me. I’m hygienic, so I don’t stink. I take care of myself by not looking like a slob. I guess that I’m that weird, awkward ADHD kid; well I’m not really a kid anymore, though I may behave in such a perpetual Peter Pan manner, but, who really wants to grow up? I digress, so, yeah, here I am really trying to do what I need to do for school, and yet, I can’t bring myself to focus to the point of pretending that I am really a functioning university student. I really want to be myself, I don’t want to change, but I’m feeling like I have to somehow manage my mind and brain in order to act in accord with the non-scatter brained, socially equipped and functional peers that kind of seem Stepford-ish, which is causing me to locate the Buzzcocks- Driving You Insane, which suits my situation about making tangible social connections: I’m those little things that drive me insane and I wish that I wasn’t. Well, I mentally send this thought out into the universe: Where did all the different people go? I feel like making one of those flyers, with “MISSED CONNECTIONS” on it, just for the hell of it, because at this point maybe one of those elusive different people would catch it out of their peripheral and say to themselves, “What the hell, why not.” That person probably was not even on the quest of finding a “missed connection” and ended up possibly finding an adventure instead. I leave you, oh different and dear reader, with this: Hit or Miss, it’s still New Found Glory. ^_^